Birthdays: they change over time.
When you’re young, you can’t wait for them. It’s a day all about you, celebrating who you are and potentially offering rewards and attention.
You reach your milestone birthdays and celebrate what the world recognizes that age/stage means. Sometimes there are rituals, regrets and too much celebrating equates to a recognition you’re older, maybe not wiser.
As I’ve aged, I appreciate both the opportunity to reflect on my day along with the recognition of loss of others who are no longer alive.
Today is one of those days. Today I am recognizing the first year without Mahtab. Today, I’m missing planning our joint birthday dinner with our husbands, reflecting on this past year around the sun, all our appreciation of the previous year and anticipation for memories to be shared in 2021. It looks different, though I know she is with me, and with us all in another way.
I miss her. I ache for one more conversation and one more experience.
While I’m able to celebrate all of who she is and was, I also need to content myself with my memories, and recognize both the sadness and the joy I’m present to as I grieve her loss.
May I see a cardinal by day and be immersed in the moonlight at night as I celebrate her impact in this world.